EU Press Statement Parody

For Immediate Release. Or Whenever It’s Convenient.

The European Union expresses its deep concern regarding recent statements and actions by the United States.

We are monitoring the situation closely.

Very closely.

With binoculars.

From a safe distance.

We urge all parties to engage in dialogue, restraint, de-escalation, and other soothing words that require no action whatsoever.

The European Union reaffirms its commitment to international law, democratic values, and strongly worded sentences that will not be followed by consequences.

We believe it is important not to inflame tensions, challenge power too directly, or risk awkward phone calls.

History has taught us many lessons, which we will respectfully ignore for now.

Further statements may follow, depending on market reactions, polling data, and whether this all blows over on its own.

Thank you for your understanding.

Please stop asking uncomfortable questions.