rump’s Greenland “deal” follows a familiar pattern: create a fake crisis, threaten escalation, declare victory, and end up with exactly what already existed. In this Daily Show–style monologue, the Greenland saga is compared to a taxi ride Trump never needed to hijack, exposing dealmaking as theater, diplomacy as collateral damage, and “I won” as a substitute for actual results.

For Immediate Release. Or Whenever It’s Convenient. The European Union expresses its deep concern regarding recent statements and actions by the United States. We are monitoring the situation closely. Very closely. With binoculars. From a safe distance. We urge all parties to engage in dialogue, restraint, de-escalation, and other soothing words that require no action whatsoever. The European Union reaffirms its commitment to international law, democratic values, and strongly

Because nothing screams “stable genius” like trying to buy a frozen country.