Trump Administration Explores Costly Option for Greenland Takeover

Because nothing screams “stable genius” like trying to buy a frozen country.

In an icy twist of geopolitical theater, President Donald Trump—known affectionately in some circles as “The Rump” due to his penchant for bloated ego and inflated ideas—has reportedly advanced plans to seize control of Greenland.

According to The Washington Post, what began as a weird flex has now evolved into something far more unhinged: actual preparation for a hostile real estate acquisition of a sovereign landmass.

Sources close to Trump claim the president became obsessed with Greenland after a staffer jokingly told him it had “tremendous real estate potential” and “more ice than his cocktails.” From there, The Rump was off to the races, convinced that he—and only he—could turn a frozen slab of Arctic rock into the next Mar-a-Lago.

The Plan So Far Includes:

• Militarizing the Space Force with snowmobiles.

• Air-dropping MAGA hats onto Inuit villages.

• Building a golden Trump Tower Nuuk, complete with glacier-view penthouses.

• Rebranding Greenland as “Trumplandia: The Frozen Frontier.”

• Deportation of all penguins, despite them being native to Antarctica. (wrong hemisphere, of course, matters to another)

• Appointing Rump Jr. as “King of the Ice People,” because monarchy is apparently on the menu now.

Denmark, which owns Greenland (a fact Trump reportedly responded to with “That’s fake news!”), has politely told him to get stuffed. Greenlanders themselves released a culturally respectful, diplomatic statement that translated roughly to, “We’d rather melt.”

But Trump persists. “They laughed when I said I’d build a wall,” he told reporters, “and now they’re laughing again—but this time, I’m bringing snowplows.”

The Rump, whose ego is now classified as a weather system, believes this Greenland conquest could cement his legacy. As what, exactly, is unclear. Possibly Emperor of Ice. Or “Most Likely to Invade Canada by Accident.”

Political analysts warn that the plan would cost trillions and destabilize international relations. But Trump remains undeterred. “I’ve bought steaks, universities, and elections,” he said. “Buying Greenland is just another deal. The Art of the Fjord, baby.”

Meanwhile, environmentalists worry that Trump’s interest in Greenland is less about patriotism and more about strip-mining it for rare earth metals, golf courses, and somewhere new to exile Don Jr. when the feds come knocking.

Coming Soon: Look out for the documentary “Frozen Assets: How One Man Tried to Colonize an Iceberg”, executive produced by Ivanka, directed by Eric, and mostly footage of Trump pointing at glaciers and saying, “I could put a casino there.”