Welcome to 1930 (Now With More Spray Tan and Less Sanity)

The Great Depression 2.0, proudly brought to you by McDonald's, tanning spray, and a fever dream of economic policy.

BREAKING: Tariff Fever Hits the U.S.—And Somehow Everyone Else Gets Sick.

Ah yes, gather ‘round dear citizens of the European Union, the World, as we step gingerly into what appears to be The Great Depression 2.0: Global Trade Wars & Orange Gaslighting Edition, proudly sponsored by McDonald's, discount tanning spray, and whatever’s left of Peter Navarro’s frontal lobe.

We've officially been dragged back to the economic dark ages by a man whose foreign policy experience consists of yelling at his TV and rage-posting on Truth Social.

So let’s talk Tariffs—that magical economic sledgehammer Donald Trump has once again wielded with the grace of a toddler jacked up on Red Bull. You may have heard Agent Orange say these tariffs are “reciprocal,” as if that’s a real metric and not just something his campaign’s Ouija board spelled out or it's a made-up term from the School of Economics for Conspiracy Theorists. He slapped them on everybody. Yes, everybody. Even allies. Even countries who were just chilling, minding their carbon-neutral, regulation-following, croissant-eating business.

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"The EU charges 39% tariffs on us!"

Oh, does it now? That’s interesting, because the EU does not charge 39% tariffs on U.S. goods. But facts don’t matter when you're pulling numbers out of your MAGA hat. Where did this come from? A napkin? A dream? A hallucination? Peter Navarro’s PowerPoint presentation from hell?

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Peter Navarro: The Man, The Myth, The Malfunction

Speaking of Navarro—Trump’s economic Rasputin—he popped up on CNN last night, barking about how the EU and Japan have been "screwing the U.S. for decades." His evidence?

American cars don’t pass EU and Japanese safety standards—which is apparently our fault for not wanting to die in a flaming Ford F-150.

The EU fines American companies for not following local laws (because that's how sovereignty works, Peter). This man actually thinks EU consumer protection laws are a global conspiracy to hurt America’s feelings.

The U.S. is just "fighting back" after years of abuse (translation: we’re mad people like their own cars more).

If unhinged nationalism were a business model, Navarro would be its unpaid intern.

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Meanwhile, in the shadow realm known as Truth Social, an Update from the Desk of Dr. Delusional proudly typed with his two hamburger-greased thumbs:

“The operation went well. The patient is alive and recovering.”

Yes. Except the patient is the global economy, and the operation involved amputating our legs with a rusty butter knife. Meanwhile, millions of Americans just watched their 401(k)s evaporate like Trump's promises to release his tax returns

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Oh, and Now They’re Trying to Tell Us How to Run Our Companies?

As if things weren’t spicy enough, the U.S. is now trying to dictate to European companies how to manage their DEI programs, threatening to pull contracts if they don’t comply with whatever political fever dream they're chasing this week.

In response, French President Macron said—translated loosely and with baguette-swinging energy—“Go screw yourselves.”

The EU followed up with a similar sentiment wrapped in diplomacy and passive-aggressive spreadsheets.

Europe’s Response? Thanks, But No Thanks.  

We in the EU are quite happy with our laws, our standards, and our reality-based approach to economics. If American companies can’t adapt to safety regulations or respect employee rights, perhaps they should focus on their domestic chaos before telling us how to manage ours.

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Final Thoughts: WTF, ‘Murica?

We’d ask what the hell is going on across the Atlantic, but honestly, we’re afraid of the answer. A government run by talk show guests and economic fiction writers is setting the world on fire—and then blaming the wind.

To paraphrase a wise European leader: “Non, merci.”

Keep your tariffs, your conspiracy advisors, and your overpriced trucks. Europe’s got wine to drink, cheese to age, and sanity to preserve.